Thoughts
on Michael Wells’ teachings in My Weakness for His Strength (Vol. 1) - #
354
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available through:
ABIDING LIFE MINISTRIES INTERNATIONAL
Littleton, Colorado
(303) 972-0859 www.abidinglife.com
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Today’s writing is one of the reasons I consider
Michael to be one of the best confidants and disciplers I have ever known. His
knowledge extends to all areas of life…
(His book: Heavenly
Discipleship, I like to refer to it as his textbook. This book MWfHS I like to refer to it as his
workbook.)
DAY 202
Marriage And Oneness
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time
that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan
tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
--I Corinthians 7:5
I was listening to a
woman who had a rather spectacular testimony. She had been a gang member and
into drugs and a lesbian lifestyle. Several other sisters in Christ were
discussing sex and marriage when she blurted out, "There are a lot of
times that I do not want to have sex with my husband, but I do! I do because I
want to proclaim to Satan, 'You will not come between my husband and me!' I
want to proclaim, 'We are one,' no matter what the enemy says, and I want God
to know I believe Him, that what He has brought together no one will
separate." My spirit leapt within. I leaned over and gave her a hug,
announcing to the group, "I believe her." Sex in marriage is a
proclamation that we are one no matter what. As I have mentioned before, there
are several issues in marriage, but every issue is separate. We lock ourselves
out from ever finding an answer to an issue when all issues are lumped
together. There are many more issues in marriage than sex, but that is the
issue this article addresses.
I like traveling, but
I have had some horrific experiences. Some involved the tiny airplane seat.
Some had to do with the need for luggage, for I despise having to carry so much
from one country to the next. I remember traveling in the Amazon, being
poisoned by the local water, and thinking I would die. In Northern India it was
a bad chicken meal that I thought was killing me. If I am invited to speak
elsewhere in the world, must I decline the invitation because I have discomfort
on the plane, I loathe lifting luggage, and I sometimes get sick traveling? How
much would I miss out on? I could take any one negative experience and just
quit, but instead I have allowed the bad experiences to make me a better
traveler. Each trip is an individual event linked to previous trips only by
what I learned from past experiences that can enhance my present journey. After
many years of travel I have learned things that work and things that do not.
Some international trips were just barely tolerable, but I so loved the people
I went to see; they ministered to me and I to them. Some international trips
were just average; let us just say I got there. But I so enjoyed the brothers
and sisters at the end of the trip and those with whom I traveled. Some trips
have been spectacular. I have been bumped into first class, where seats recline
and people call me "Sir." I totally relaxed, but still what I
remember the most were those brothers and sisters waiting for me after the
travel. Any journey is tolerable because for me, the goal is not the travel but
arriving to be with those at the end of the trip.
Sex in marriage is
like a journey in the following three areas. First, couples will find that sex
is most enjoyable with a minimal amount of baggage. So much baggage from the
past is taken into the bedroom by some couples that there is barely room for them.
Second, each experience must build upon the last experience. Third, the person
is more important that the journey.
First, entering in
without a heavy load. Many bedrooms are crowded from sex-based hurts of the
past. Sex, which is intended to be associated with pleasure, has become
synonymous with the pain of an impressionable earlier experience, such as
abuse, date rape, performance-based acceptance, innuendo, pornography,
comparison, or just being made to feel unattractive. All of these emotions and
experiences from the past can become a heavy load. It is unfortunate that these
things happen, but tragic if they continue to control a person’s life today.
Any issue that has to do with the senses or natural desires takes special care,
since it is impossible to walk away and never have to deal with it again. I
remember a fellow who had an obsession with water. He had to go all day, even
on the hottest days, without drinking water, or else he would drink too much
and even possibly drown himself. Next question: where could he go to escape the
temptation to take a drink of water? As you can see, problems that deal with
the natural pose unique problems. The sex desire is part of the natural;
sexuality is built into mankind, so if one attempts to run from it, he runs
from himself. To tell one to forget all bad experiences associated with sex and
then tell him to go have sex will, more often than not, throw him right back
into the emotions he is trying to avoid. The question is how to participate
without dragging up all the past emotions. First, it must be realized that the
world has done a good job of selling sex as the center of life. The sexual
experience as described by the world is just as unreal as an airbrushed,
enhanced photo of models. Second, the fear of poor performance will cause
anxiety and poor performance. Fear is invited in and must be invited out. The
fear of sex cannot be dealt with by obsessively thinking, "I must not
think of sex," for by so doing, sex is exactly what is thought about. It
must be handled with every thought of sex being taken captive to Christ. How?
When the thought of fear comes, the direction of the mind must be changed
completely by telling the mind, "I am not going there; I refuse to think
that." By turning to the Lord for enabling with this, it really is
possible to have life centered in something other than sex. It is possible to
lower expectations of sex while maintaining expectations for the spouse. Third,
recognize that the life that was hurt has been buried with Christ. It is
impossible to change the past, but it can be buried by an act of faith.
Throughout the day as the doubts about performance ability come, speak out
loud, "I believe that I have been crucified with Christ."
This brings us to the
second aspect of the sex journey. Each new experience builds on past learning
experiences. The bad experiences are not to turn a couple away from intimacy,
but rather they give the couple something to build from. There is no need for a
couple to obsess on what went wrong at the beginning of the marriage. They are
no longer at the beginning of the marriage; they are in the now. They can learn
from what was unpleasant and not repeat the mistake. All of life is instructing
the believer in what is the Way and what is not.
Finally, the most
important goal of the sex journey is not physical stimulation; rather, it is
the person. For the woman mentioned above who would have sex with her husband
so that Satan would not come between them, sex was not the issue, but keeping
her faith and her husband was the goal. Sex is meant for oneness and the
acceptance that comes from that oneness in marriage. To make sex the goal is
self-defeating and will correspondingly bring less satisfaction, because the
mate senses he is less and less the goal and more and more the object,
rejection sets in, and no one is satisfied. When the person is the goal, the
times between sexual activities are much more fulfilling, much as when an obese
man said to a very skinny man, "I enjoy my meals too much to live as you do."
To which the skinny man replied, "But I enjoy the time in between meals
much more than you!" He made a good point, for when food is the goal of
life, how are we to enjoy the majority of our time we are not indulged in
eating? The person who finds satisfaction in living in the between times is
happy much more of the time. When the in between has the goal of affection,
then not only is the sex life enjoyed, but also there is joy where we spend the
majority of the time of our relationship. Sex cannot be the goal. The woman who
wanted to proclaim to Satan that she was one with her husband had made oneness
the goal, and if sex helps proclaim it, then so be it. For her the journey
brought her to a wonderful place!
Yellow – VIP, Very Important Point Green
– IT, Incredible Truth
Red – GP, Greatest Promises
Turquoise – UR, Unfathomable Riches Pink
– PV, Priceless Victory
I think it is
important for each to pick out your own “points” to highlight in this one.
Michael gives us a great truth that we must
never forget: persons are more important than events or other things. Listening
to conversations, it is interesting to see whether the talk is of persons or
otherwise…
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NOTICE: another blog on
Michael Wells’ book, Sidetracked In The Wilderness, called Getting Out of the
Wilderness. You can access by logging onto
www.leemcchristianministries.blogspot.com
Lee McDowell Christian Ministries
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